Would I Follow the Prophet?

I was never really the type to pray for personal revelation.  I didn’t feel a need for guidance and approval about every little decision.  I just sort of did what felt authentic for me, figuring that Heavenly Father would expect that I would use my mind, free agency, conscience and nudgings of the Holy Ghost, to navigate my way through life.  Why would He have given those blessings to me if he didn’t expect me to use them? I expected that if Heavenly Father disapproved, He would let me know.  Sometimes what initially felt authentic, didn’t quite feel ‘right’ and then I would hit my knees and ask if I was wrong.  Maybe this was a flawed approach.  I’ll never know.   It seemed to work for me most of the time. But, I ultimately became disaffected with His Church and lost faith (or the desire to have faith) in His existence so maybe it wasn’t working for me at all.

My approach troubled me in one way though.  It was not uncommon that choices and decisions that felt authentic and right for me didn’t align with the words of the General Authorities.  In those instances, I wondered if I should have been asking permission to proceed at every little step.  I mean, if Heavenly Father didn’t expect us to conform, in all cases, to the guidance of the Prophet, why did the Prophet always speak in such absolute terms?  Why did the Prophet speak in ways that seemed so all-inclusive/exclusive?  Why was I hearing, “If you are a women, this is what is expected…and if you are a man, this is expected…?”  Was The Plan of Salvation individualized or prescribed in bulk by gender?  (And why was it always by gender?) If the Prophet’s words were to be headed, for he could not lead me astray, then what purpose did personal revelation serve?  And, should I be actively asking for personal revelation, bugging Heavenly Father with every nitpicky detail, before proceeding? You see this circling line of thought.  You probably recognize it personally.

Sometimes, I wonder if - in a parallel universe in which I didn’t leave the Church - I would ever have arrived at the correct conclusion.  I am not sure I know what conclusion others had arrived at, if they had arrived at all.  I suspect that the more legalistic, literalistic, and dogmatic types follow the Prophet above all.  Perhaps, they never get personal revelation that contradicts the Prophet.  Maybe when personal revelation contradicts the Prophet, you aren’t doing it right (FAIL).  

If I were forced, I would guess that I would have gone with my gut first, personal revelation second, and if I happened to align with the Prophet’s prescription here and there, that would be good.  But, in that case, I have to admit, I would really just have been doing what I ultimately wanted and needed all along. 

***le sigh***

(Not So) Breaking News – Or “Don’t You Dare Forget…

…that you are still the world’s worst* daughter-in-law.  And, although it's not possible, you are worse than worst* because now there is a new perfect* daughter-in-law to whom we can compare you.  SHE calls.  Just to chat."

*Post posting edit: This post (as with most others) is LITERALLY littered with hyperbole and sarcasm.  FYI.

Their son, my husband, did something unthinkable*.  He married a woman who is the exact* polar opposite* of his mother (and 3 of his sisters). She's Mormon. I'm anti-Mormonism.  She's conservative politically.  I'm liberal politically.  She's traditional.  I find most traditions to be antiquated, offensive, and stifling.  She had 7 kids and stayed (stays) home to take care of them.  I might have two kids. I will also have a career. She defers* to her husband/priesthood leader.  I'm a loud feminist.  She is obsessed* with having everything* appear perfect. I am obsessed* with being correctly understood and being authentic, true to myself.  I don't think people faking perfection are healthy and the over-emphasis on being/appearing perfect doesn't exactly promote honesty in others. In fact, it puts pressure on others to hide differences and also appear perfect.  (I don't believe that any* Mormon genuinely knows any* other Mormon. Do you?)

We're different, she and I.  And, you know* that she is doing it all* right because she is (at least on the surface) totally* in-line with the teachings of The One True Church, Inc.  I am in the wrong. Always*.  I would be thrilled* if I could just be different and have that be okay.  But, she has God on her side and so it will never* occur to her that different isn't necessarily bad and that what works for her might not be universally right.  Afterall, God has only one plan - conformity. 

 

What can I say? I am what I am. (Exodus 3:14) I like what I am. I am happy (or at least content) with my life. I'm not changing.  I'm stubborn like that.

*Phew. Did I miss any? I beg you to correct me in the comments if I did.  I take criticism really*, really* well.

Worst Callings

I would love to see a bunch of you post about your worst calling experiences.  Mine came shortly after I became engaged.  I hear this calling is popular to give to newly-weds but there must not have been any in our ward at the time because I got it when I was engaged.  Would you like to guess?

Yep, I was called to the nursery.  I think that many a bishop thinks this calling will make young newly-married and about-to-be-married women want to have babies.  I also think most bishops have no idea what it is like to spend an hour trapped in a tiny room somewhere with 10+ toddlers.

I lasted two weeks.  That's it. The first week was pretty bad.  But the second week was just like a barn yard fiasco.  Literally.  The other couple who were also called to work in the nursery were much older.  They had several sons close to my age.  He was a former single adult ward bishop, and one of those loud-mouthed know-it-all's that make Sunday School nearly intolerable.  (She later left him.  I hear she found some hot younger man.  Good for her.)  By profession, he was a veterinarian. (My dog's vet, in fact). They lived out in the sticks on some property and they had a bunch of animals.  I will never understand what possessed them to bring all of those animals to nursery.  Shall I list them in food chain order? Well, okay, they don't all fall on one food chain.

• Mouse 
• Gerbil
• 2 Parakeets 
• Chicken
• Duck
• Fish in bowl
• Rabbit
• Cat
• 2 Dogs
• Turtle
• Iguana
• Tarantula
• Frog
• Sheep
• Goat

Kinda like this:

 + a few reptiles and farm animals

 And about 10 of these.
















Fortunately, all of the animals and children got along peacefully.  It was just like the Garden of Eden. Except that it was nothing like the Garden of Eden. So, I spent the hour trying to keep toddlers from killing animals, animals from killing toddlers, animals from killing/eating animals and basically dealing with a bunch of different types of shit and mucus.  Then, I walked straight into the bishop's office and said there was no way I was ever going back.

Some Things Never Change

"At BYU to be a smart girl...is a difficult thing because they don't encourage that, or at least they didn't back in the early 1970's." - Margaret Merrill Toscano from this podcast.

That was certainly the same experience I had at BYU some 30 years later.  Only, I would go further and say that to be a smart girl was discouraged, which is pretty sad when I consider the average GPA of admitted Freshman the year I started.  ALL of the girls there were "smart girls".  Some were more ambitious about academics and careers than others.  But, all had significant intellectual capabilities and potential.  I have serious problems with a "university" that discourages or fails to encourage intellectual growth and achievement in fully half of the student body.  I also have doubts that one can get a true education* at a university so lacking in diversity of thought, where tenured faculty are regularly fired for expressing points of view (no matter how well-researched and considered) that differ from the official church party line.  I believe it is impossible to be a truly tenured professor at BYU under those circumstances.  BYU stifles growth and intellect in students and faculty alike.  I will be quite disheartened if "smart girls", the other half of the student body, and the faculty are having the same experiences in 2030. 

*I consider a true education to be one in which all new ideas, points of view, and history are presented openly and discussed freely, without threat of discipline for students or professors.  I am not contending that one cannot obtain a valid degree in a particular field of study at BYU.  Rather, I contend that the real point of a college education is not to learn WHAT to think, but to learn HOW to think. If a BYU student manages to learn how to think critically at BYU, it is only through fault (damn intellectuals) of their own.

Late morning - MBTA Red Line - Harvard Square to Kendall Square

LDS missionary: How are you doing today?
Long-haired hippy guy (LHHG): I was good until you asked.
Missionary: Oh, really?  Well, what was good about your morning?
LHHG: ***stunned*** Ummm.  My coffee was good.
Missionary: Oh, well, would you be interested in a copy of the Book of Mormon?
LHHG: ***moves to the opposite end of the train***
Me: ***Laughs.  Feels sorry for LHHG.  Feels more sorry for missionary. Laughs at self for feeling sorry for missionary.  Tries not to appear Mormon, friendly, or blonde/red-headed lest I set off their modar. Wishes her skirt was shorter or neckline lower.  Avoids eye-contact with missionaries.***

END SCENE

In which puppy doesn't get a temple recommend and Amy doesn't get work done

1 Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?

2 Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?

3 Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?

4 Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

 











Naughty puppy.

Is Amy procrastinating when she should be writing a progress report for her fellowship?
Yes, yes she is. 

In which I become extremely wealthy...

I'm clearly not the first to stumble on this market.  But, it seems to me that I can write Christian apologetics books and make a fortune. All I have to do is just make up all sorts of bullshit and as long as that bullshit supports the beliefs they already have, Christians will buy my book by the truckload and I won't even have to do any research.  I probably wouldn't even have to re-read the Bible (I'm pretty rusty, and mine is pretty dusty).  If I validate their beliefs they won't bother checking my "sources" or thinking about the book critically. They will completely miss my logical fallacies.  I could kick that crap out in a weekend. And many of the authors who write those books seem to be doing just that. You flat out cannot write a well-researched, well-thought out book every two months.

Also, I wish my Christian friends didn't make such lame debaters. It's all just straw-men. Seriously, my friend just said this: "We're supposed to believe that microbes wash up on land and eventually walk away shaped like humans?"  Throw me a meatier bone! ANY other logical fallacy will do. I just got out of a self-defense class and I am looking for a fight!

Resignation Letter

If you ask, you shall receive.  Someone requested that I post my resignation letter and so I did.  If you'd like to read it or want an example, just click on the tab above. I followed the recommended template for the most part. I just added the last two paragraphs.

Helpful information on the process can be found at these sites:

http://www.mormonresignation.com/ 
Recovery from Mormonism
Life After Mormonism

On Feeling Alone and On Having Options

I've written before about being alone.  Previously, I wrote about how belief in a personal deity means one is never alone. I wrote about how much that terrified me - the thought of never being alone, of never being unknown, of no privacy and no boundaries.

I have a strange relationship with this word alone. I'm an introvert.  I'm content alone.  In fact, I love being alone.  I must be alone.  I get irritable when I don't get to be alone.  But, I also get extremely lonely at times.  I guess I love aloneness and suffer from loneliness. I’m rambling.  I apologize.  Pardon me.  Humor me if you will while I work through this one.  I’ve been thinking again about the Church and alone.

"You can leave the Church, but you can't leave it alone." Is this a threat? Like, "You can leave but we'll never really let you go."  Is it meant to convey something like, "You'll be back." Is it a complaint? "You've left the Church, but you insist on bad-mouthing it." Or is it a command? "You've left the Church, now just leave it alone!"

"You've left the Church, but it won't leave you alone." That's been my experience.  I want to get to the point where I can go days without thinking about the Church, the Faith, the Gospel. But, I know I never will.  It haunts me like so many generations.  My grandmothers thought that the great sacrifices they were making were for me - so that I would have the Fullness of Truth - when they pioneered to Utah.  I suppose they were. Making great sacrifices, that is.  They thought the Gospel was for my benefit.  And here I am. Ungrateful.  I don’t believe that the Church, the Gospel, that they sacrificed for has been good for me.  I’ve discarded it.  I resent it.  I’m angry.  I can’t leave it alone.  And leaving it makes me feel guilty.

And here I am. Grateful. I am here and I know that would not be the case had my foremothers not sacrificed and moved, married and made babies in Utah.

And here I am, pioneering in my own way for my daughters and granddaughters - undoing what the Church has done - finding my own Truth.  I am willfully abandoning the model of womanhood the Church and the Gospel has dictated to me. In doing so I am abandoning the models of my mother and grandmother, women I love like there are no words to describe, women I admire.  But, I need to be – no, I just am - something other than that model of womanhood. Not more, not less. Just other.  You know? I need my daughters to know that there are other options. I need them to grow unburdened with the guilt of wanting something other.  I need my daughters to know that it is not selfish to forge one’s own path, to pioneer in one’s own way.  No.  I need for my daughters to grow up in such a way that it never even occurs to them that choosing one’s own life path would be selfish.  I don’t want them to see other options. I want them only to see options.

But, I feel alone.  I don’t know how to be other.  Unlike my mother, and hers, I don’t have a model to follow.  I don’t know how to pioneer this model-free path.  Is it ironic that I am lonely for a model for pioneering a model-less path?  Will I be setting my daughters up for the same loneliness? Or, will they appreciate the aloneness of having nothing but options and pioneering of their own to do?

God thinks like you. And like me. And like everyone else.

So, yeah, God basically has Multiple Personality Disorder.  At least that is what this research indicates.

Believers' estimates of God's beliefs are more egocentric than estimates of other people's beliefs.

Explains some things, doesn't it? I know you are not surprised by these results.  Neither am I.  I've long known that God is created in man's own image. 

But, you know what I just realized?  This means the religious can no longer hide behind these tired old arguments:

• "I'm not homophobic.  The bible says it's a sin."
• "I'm not sexist.  God thinks women should submit to men.  Patriarchy is the divinely dictated order of things." (Psshhh more like divinely dick-tated. Am I right?) 
• "I'm not a prude.  God is the one who is hymen-obsessed and requires that we wait to have sex until we are married and that we rush to put our garments back on post-coitus. I'm sure it is for our own good."
• "I'm not racist.  God is the one who cursed Cain and Ham and all of their descendants with dark skin. Some of the Prophets have said white people were more righteous in the pre-existence. The Book of Mormon describes the cursing of the unrighteous with dark skin. I can't help it if God thinks that my skin is delightsome."
• "I'm just lying for the Lord. Sometimes the truth isn't very useful."

To the religious: Science has seen behind the curtain and isn't impressed by your wizard.  We know it's just you back there with a microphone speaking in a deep voice.

Post Edit:
And so you know...God is not an old dude with a white beard. She is a natural blonde but likes to dye her hair red on occasion. Sometimes She shaves Her legs and sometimes She doesn't.  Deal with it.  God doesn't care about your underwear but forbids you to wear socks during sex.  God has a caffeine habit.  God wears Her Converse even when She knows it's raining outside and that this will mean Her feet will be wet all day. God has two piercings. In each ear.  God likes men to wear eyeliner.  God forbids short-sleeved dress shirts and ugly ties.  God is sarcastic.  God thinks you should leave your neighbors alone.  Stop with the missionaries. God thinks having multiple kingdoms makes the whole judging thing too complicated but multiple orgasms was a brilliant idea. She stands behind that one.  God doesn't really care so much about being worshiped or Her name being used in vain but if you say anything about the size of Her ass, it's fire and brimstone for you. Patriarchy? You mean like men in charge? Hahahahaha, I think milk just came out of Her nose. What a completely terrible idea.  God works through evolution and thinks your prayers are silly and annoying.  The Universe wants to kill you.  God thinks all skin is beautiful.  God is fine with nudity. God doesn't need you to make oaths or weird signs to hang out with Her after you die.  In fact, She doesn't even think an afterlife is worthwhile.  She scrapped that.  So, make the most of your time here.  And join the dark side.  They have cupcakes.  Also, the Smashing Pumpkins totally blew.