Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Still Shocked
I am learning more and more everyday about how much the CofJCofLDS totally FUCKED me up as a kid. It still shocks me just how bad it was/is. The number of ways I am a hot mess as a result of that upbringing is ever-growing. Will it ever stop? Does anyone feel like they have figured out ALL of ways they are screwed up? I don't think I can keep finding new reasons forever. I'm already pretty bitter.
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I think we just have to accept the fact that the church has changed our lives forever. We will never be able to put it behind us completely. As much as I want to move on, I still wake up thinking about it often. Kind of sucks. I just try to find ways to be happy.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels like the CoJCoLDS is like an alien attached to my mind. From my earliest memory it has always been there and feels so familiar, while trying to extricate myself it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between me and IT.
ReplyDeleteIt is a mindfuck for sure. For me I have just come to accept the fact that my exposure to the cult has, to a certain extent, shaped who I am and the way I think. But that's okay. Working my way out of it has also taught me a lot. It's a major accomplishment. I think it's a lot like getting over an illness -- you know? It may leave a few scars and made me appreciate and enjoy good health but it was never me.
It takes years of de-programming our minds. Living our whole lives to think a certain way, getting the huge slap in the face, trying to shake it off, then changing the way we think is not an easy process. It's extremely hard and when I hear someone say "get over it", I just have to say, "are you kidding me?" Unless you've been through this, you'll never know how hard it is. Going through the phases of grief is a perfect analogy and unfortunately, the anger phase just keeps coming back whenever something gets thrown in our faces again. I hate GC weekend in Utah, with all TBM family members who don't miss a minute of it. Last October set me back big time and took a good month to be able to calm down again. We all understand where the bitterness comes from. Give yourself lots of time. To me, this is therapy.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up the church, and then resigning at age 39. That is at least 39 years in which it's affected me. But out of the church, with relatives and friends who are still a part of it means that it will continue to affect me.
ReplyDeleteI have come to accept that because of this, the LDS virus has permanently infected my DNA. The best I can do is just keep the de-programming processes running to minimize future mindfuckary.
I try to see the discovery of new ways my religious upbringing messed me up as a positive thing. I'm glad to actually be aware that this or that is not just my personality, it's not just "the way things are," but that I was actually "programmed" to believe it, and I have the ability to let it go and move past it now.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks to realize that I'll probably never be done deprogramming those things, but I'm grateful that I have the ability to recognize those things and eliminate them as I do.
What I have a hard time coming to terms with is the fact that so many people are still being "mindfucked" (as Cog Dis said, which made me think of "I hope you're wearing a condom, 'cause I have a dirty mind.") Scary that so many people can be brainwashed/programmed to believe in such crazy shit. I agree that it is constantly amazing me how much it still affects me. I think all ex-mormons have this deep seated fear somewhere in the back of their mind that they really are going to be unhappy/have bad luck, etc because they are no longer mormon. That was one of many things that was bred into me from birth "you can't be happy w/o 'the church,'" that I am still trying to get over.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots of things I learned from the church that I *might* have learned elsewhere... but... I learned them from there. I am sure that I don't know everything, but I've only been on this path for a little while. I'm sure it'll calm down eventually...
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