Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sharing, maybe oversharing, and possibly triggering. Also long-winded.
My last post was vague. This one won't be much more clear. I've been learning a lot lately and I've gained a lot of insight. But, I haven't remotely untangled it all yet and I don't feel that I have anything resembling a real grasp on things. If I did, I would share more in hopes that someone else might benefit.
Here is what I know: The messages I received in church and from friends and family who were also raised in the church and in Utah, with all of the cultural crap that includes, have affected me in profound ways. But, I am not talking about the things that I think. I never thought the things I was supposed to think. I never believed the things I was supposed to believe. I was born a skeptic and questioned, questioned, questioned the mythology and the dogma from early childhood. So, I think pretty independently and rarely find myself thinking something like, for example, "abortion is murder" or "homosexuality is a sin" (these examples are things I NEVER think but I say rarely because I am sure I occasionally think things that might fit into the same category - absolute truths taught in church).
Rather, the profound and lasting effect the CofJCofLDS had on me was in shaping my behaviors, my interactions with others, my ability to be assertive, and, most importantly, my ability to set boundaries to protect my self (two words in this case). As a result, I've developed some "self issues". This isn't the same as self-esteem. I've got plenty of self-esteem. I'm intelligent, kind, empathetic, ethical, strong, hard-working, diligent, ambitious, and dare I say, funny? I know I have significant resources within me. But, the way I move through the world isn't consistent with that knowledge. My behavior and communication are often interpreted by others as resulting from a self-esteem problem. It's not. The self issue I have is in knowing that I exist and that I am alive. I don't always know that. I feel empty, dead, non-existent. I stop experiencing emotion although I am intellectually aware of how I should be feeling in a situation. Feeling unsure about whether I exist (or whether I am the only person who exists and everyone else is a hollow shell) makes me feel like I am losing my mind. Literally. As though I am losing my intellect and grasp on reality. I start to fear that these are early signs of schizophrenia or some other delusion disorder. (They aren't in my case.) I know it sounds weird. Well, it sounds weird unless you've experienced it.
I've been in a therapy group exploring these self issues. It's been hard and scary. I've picked out things that cause "Aha!" moments when I wonder if or how much the culture of mormonism, and personal deity belief more generally, caused these confusions/delusions. The boundary issue and denial of the right to the private self are obvious culprits. Also obvious is that we weren't taught to be assertive. In fact, we were taught to be passive or passive-aggressive (especially the women?). Assertiveness was portrayed as negative and even confrontational. But, assertiveness and aggressiveness are very different animals. Unfortunately, I have a difficult time knowing the difference or seeing the lines between them, so I often attempt to be assertive (And why shouldn't I? I'm intelligent and capable and deserving.) but overshoot and hit aggressive or undershoot and hit passive-aggressive or passive. And, as a result, I don't get what I need at work or in relationships most of the time. I feel bullied. Then I beat myself up because I know people can't meet my needs if I don't communicate them effectively, although sometimes they try. If I had to pick the one personality flaw that hinders me most, it is this struggle to be assertive.
In the self group, we talk a lot about trauma. This terrified me at first. It seemed as though I was learning that having a self issue meant that I MUST have experienced some big trauma in my life. In many cases these traumas are related to abuse, witnessing violence or suicide, or near-death experiences. The doctor who runs the group mentioned that sometimes people block these things or that they may have happened before the age at which children form conscious memories. I couldn't think of a trauma, which made me fear I had blocked it or had been abused as an infant. I wept for a few days. I considered asking my mom but feared it would scare or devastate her. Then, I met individually with one of the group leaders who explained that trauma might not be so acute or obvious and I wasn't necessarily blocking anything but that maybe I was looking back to narrowly. She isn't my regular therapist though and doesn't really know me so she had no ideas. It had occurred to me that maybe my mother's cancer when I was a young child was my trauma. It also occurred to me that the mental abuse of my religious upbringing, and subsequently leaving the church, has been a life-long trauma. But, I didn't know and I felt like I was grasping as straws looking for a trauma that might have caused sense-of-self issues for me. These ideas just seemed so trivial compared to the physical violence others have experienced. Yesterday, I had an appointment with my regular therapist. I was explaining this group and the theory behind it (still unpublished so unfamiliar to the psychological and psychiatric health community). She, unprompted, asked if I thought that my former religion could be my trauma. It might not be the only trauma I've endured. But, I KNOW that it was/is a traumatic experience and definitely the most formulative traumatic experience of my life. It has caused me damage that might be irreparable.
That isn't so easy to accept or move past. I can't imagine what positive I can ever find in that. Therapy is long (maybe life-long), time-consuming, painful, expensive, and absolutely necessary. I'm not going to be able to sue the Church to cover the expenses or get closure. My brain is likely never going to function at the capacity it might have had I been raised without religion. I am likely to be haunted by an existential crisis forever. I will likely experience emptiness and numbness off and on for life. All I can hope to do is learn how to recognize when I am drifting into, and snap myself out of that state more quickly and more effectively. How can I possibly benefit from a lack of normal sense-of-self?
Here is what I know: The messages I received in church and from friends and family who were also raised in the church and in Utah, with all of the cultural crap that includes, have affected me in profound ways. But, I am not talking about the things that I think. I never thought the things I was supposed to think. I never believed the things I was supposed to believe. I was born a skeptic and questioned, questioned, questioned the mythology and the dogma from early childhood. So, I think pretty independently and rarely find myself thinking something like, for example, "abortion is murder" or "homosexuality is a sin" (these examples are things I NEVER think but I say rarely because I am sure I occasionally think things that might fit into the same category - absolute truths taught in church).
Rather, the profound and lasting effect the CofJCofLDS had on me was in shaping my behaviors, my interactions with others, my ability to be assertive, and, most importantly, my ability to set boundaries to protect my self (two words in this case). As a result, I've developed some "self issues". This isn't the same as self-esteem. I've got plenty of self-esteem. I'm intelligent, kind, empathetic, ethical, strong, hard-working, diligent, ambitious, and dare I say, funny? I know I have significant resources within me. But, the way I move through the world isn't consistent with that knowledge. My behavior and communication are often interpreted by others as resulting from a self-esteem problem. It's not. The self issue I have is in knowing that I exist and that I am alive. I don't always know that. I feel empty, dead, non-existent. I stop experiencing emotion although I am intellectually aware of how I should be feeling in a situation. Feeling unsure about whether I exist (or whether I am the only person who exists and everyone else is a hollow shell) makes me feel like I am losing my mind. Literally. As though I am losing my intellect and grasp on reality. I start to fear that these are early signs of schizophrenia or some other delusion disorder. (They aren't in my case.) I know it sounds weird. Well, it sounds weird unless you've experienced it.
I've been in a therapy group exploring these self issues. It's been hard and scary. I've picked out things that cause "Aha!" moments when I wonder if or how much the culture of mormonism, and personal deity belief more generally, caused these confusions/delusions. The boundary issue and denial of the right to the private self are obvious culprits. Also obvious is that we weren't taught to be assertive. In fact, we were taught to be passive or passive-aggressive (especially the women?). Assertiveness was portrayed as negative and even confrontational. But, assertiveness and aggressiveness are very different animals. Unfortunately, I have a difficult time knowing the difference or seeing the lines between them, so I often attempt to be assertive (And why shouldn't I? I'm intelligent and capable and deserving.) but overshoot and hit aggressive or undershoot and hit passive-aggressive or passive. And, as a result, I don't get what I need at work or in relationships most of the time. I feel bullied. Then I beat myself up because I know people can't meet my needs if I don't communicate them effectively, although sometimes they try. If I had to pick the one personality flaw that hinders me most, it is this struggle to be assertive.
In the self group, we talk a lot about trauma. This terrified me at first. It seemed as though I was learning that having a self issue meant that I MUST have experienced some big trauma in my life. In many cases these traumas are related to abuse, witnessing violence or suicide, or near-death experiences. The doctor who runs the group mentioned that sometimes people block these things or that they may have happened before the age at which children form conscious memories. I couldn't think of a trauma, which made me fear I had blocked it or had been abused as an infant. I wept for a few days. I considered asking my mom but feared it would scare or devastate her. Then, I met individually with one of the group leaders who explained that trauma might not be so acute or obvious and I wasn't necessarily blocking anything but that maybe I was looking back to narrowly. She isn't my regular therapist though and doesn't really know me so she had no ideas. It had occurred to me that maybe my mother's cancer when I was a young child was my trauma. It also occurred to me that the mental abuse of my religious upbringing, and subsequently leaving the church, has been a life-long trauma. But, I didn't know and I felt like I was grasping as straws looking for a trauma that might have caused sense-of-self issues for me. These ideas just seemed so trivial compared to the physical violence others have experienced. Yesterday, I had an appointment with my regular therapist. I was explaining this group and the theory behind it (still unpublished so unfamiliar to the psychological and psychiatric health community). She, unprompted, asked if I thought that my former religion could be my trauma. It might not be the only trauma I've endured. But, I KNOW that it was/is a traumatic experience and definitely the most formulative traumatic experience of my life. It has caused me damage that might be irreparable.
That isn't so easy to accept or move past. I can't imagine what positive I can ever find in that. Therapy is long (maybe life-long), time-consuming, painful, expensive, and absolutely necessary. I'm not going to be able to sue the Church to cover the expenses or get closure. My brain is likely never going to function at the capacity it might have had I been raised without religion. I am likely to be haunted by an existential crisis forever. I will likely experience emptiness and numbness off and on for life. All I can hope to do is learn how to recognize when I am drifting into, and snap myself out of that state more quickly and more effectively. How can I possibly benefit from a lack of normal sense-of-self?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Still Shocked
I am learning more and more everyday about how much the CofJCofLDS totally FUCKED me up as a kid. It still shocks me just how bad it was/is. The number of ways I am a hot mess as a result of that upbringing is ever-growing. Will it ever stop? Does anyone feel like they have figured out ALL of ways they are screwed up? I don't think I can keep finding new reasons forever. I'm already pretty bitter.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Being Alone
I was reading this book, by Austin Dacey today and I was inspired by this section:
"The belief in a personal deity - a being with whom the believer can have a personal relationship - is a denial of the private self. If there is such a being, then it knows us better than we know ourselves, and we are not alone (even when we might prefer to be.)"
So, are we then free to decide what is best for us or obligated to defer to the will of the deity? Are our thoughts our own or are they controlled? A deity inclined to be always with us - always monitoring our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, couldn't possibly be above controlling those thoughts and emotions, could it?
I had a mini panic attack when I read the words "we are not alone." As an introvert, the thought of having insufficient time and privacy to sit with my thoughts and think about what I think literally makes my palms sweat. When I was a member, the concept that my every behavior, thought and feeling was observed, recorded, and judged (see Book of Life) offended me - not because I had a guilty conscience - but because it made me feel violated. Apparently the thought still makes me feel violated. But, immediately after I had an indignant rant to myself about the "right" I believe I have to observe and interact with nature and the universe as I please and privately (thank-you-very-much), I thought, "I shouldn't want to be alone. Being alone is the great human fear. I should want to take peace in the thought that there may be a loving deity ALWAYS with me." Fortunately, I was able to quickly talk myself out of this reasoning because I really believe that it should be up to me to decide when I want to be alone with my thoughts and emotions and when and with whom to share them. If there were a deity, I'd prefer one who waited to be invited into my head. Why should it be black-and-white - all alone in this scary, bleak world or constantly watched and critiqued? (The obvious answer, we all know too well, is that teaching someone that God is watching them is a great way to control people right down to causing them to CENSOR THEIR OWN THOUGHTS and doubts.)
It annoys me that thoughts like the one in blue above even pop into my head to begin with. I hate that I still, after 10 years away from the Church, censor or confront myself in this way - that I replace my own thoughts with fallacies, learned too well in my youth, meant to keep me in the Church and believing that it is what I want or what I need to feel peace and joy. What a waste of time and mental energy to have to think/talk myself back out of those fallacies! What better use might I find for those precious wasted moments? What reflections do I miss out on when my normal stream of consciousness is so abruptly and rudely interrupted by these programmed thoughts I've been taught? It just makes me so darn mad (fucking bat-shit angry!).
"The belief in a personal deity - a being with whom the believer can have a personal relationship - is a denial of the private self. If there is such a being, then it knows us better than we know ourselves, and we are not alone (even when we might prefer to be.)"
So, are we then free to decide what is best for us or obligated to defer to the will of the deity? Are our thoughts our own or are they controlled? A deity inclined to be always with us - always monitoring our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, couldn't possibly be above controlling those thoughts and emotions, could it?
I had a mini panic attack when I read the words "we are not alone." As an introvert, the thought of having insufficient time and privacy to sit with my thoughts and think about what I think literally makes my palms sweat. When I was a member, the concept that my every behavior, thought and feeling was observed, recorded, and judged (see Book of Life) offended me - not because I had a guilty conscience - but because it made me feel violated. Apparently the thought still makes me feel violated. But, immediately after I had an indignant rant to myself about the "right" I believe I have to observe and interact with nature and the universe as I please and privately (thank-you-very-much), I thought, "I shouldn't want to be alone. Being alone is the great human fear. I should want to take peace in the thought that there may be a loving deity ALWAYS with me." Fortunately, I was able to quickly talk myself out of this reasoning because I really believe that it should be up to me to decide when I want to be alone with my thoughts and emotions and when and with whom to share them. If there were a deity, I'd prefer one who waited to be invited into my head. Why should it be black-and-white - all alone in this scary, bleak world or constantly watched and critiqued? (The obvious answer, we all know too well, is that teaching someone that God is watching them is a great way to control people right down to causing them to CENSOR THEIR OWN THOUGHTS and doubts.)
It annoys me that thoughts like the one in blue above even pop into my head to begin with. I hate that I still, after 10 years away from the Church, censor or confront myself in this way - that I replace my own thoughts with fallacies, learned too well in my youth, meant to keep me in the Church and believing that it is what I want or what I need to feel peace and joy. What a waste of time and mental energy to have to think/talk myself back out of those fallacies! What better use might I find for those precious wasted moments? What reflections do I miss out on when my normal stream of consciousness is so abruptly and rudely interrupted by these programmed thoughts I've been taught? It just makes me so darn mad (fucking bat-shit angry!).
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Positive Psychology
I just got out of group therapy. Today's topic was Positive Psychology. "Think yourself happy" and all that. A few weeks ago, I would have told you that optimists are just delusional and that happiness is an illusion. I was in a bad place. But now, I want to bear my testimony of Positive Psychology. I know that it is true. I know that you can find temporary happiness (or at least a lightening of depression) just by thinking about the shit* that makes you happy or HAS made you happy in the past and the small positive things that happen during your day. (Today I was running late for an appointment but I was spared a scolding because the other person was just a hair later. Rock on!!!)
So....I was thinking that in this spirit, maybe we could all think of some positive consequences of time we spent in the Church and/or from the struggle getting out. I'll start:
*Sorry. I say "shit" when I mean "stuff" because I have 20 yearsclean of not swearing that I mean to get back by swearing A LOT until I am 40.
So....I was thinking that in this spirit, maybe we could all think of some positive consequences of time we spent in the Church and/or from the struggle getting out. I'll start:
- If I hadn't been raised in and then pushed back against the Church, I don't think I would know myself nearly as well as I do.
- Being raised in the Church made me the feminist I am today.
- I recognize fake and forced happiness and how this is different from the real happiness that comes with being authentic to oneself and others.
- I have had the opportunity to see that my mother and other members of my extended family aren't fixated on my religious/non-religious status and love me despite my angry atheistic leanings. I am extremely grateful for this. I know that many of you (including my own husband) haven't had the same luck.
- It kept me out of trouble? Maybe. I was a pretty good kid anyway and I don't remember being overly obsessed with the rules.
- I recognize the difference between being good for goodness sake and following my own innate humanistic conscience and not because I've been burdened with guilt or striving toward some eternal reward.
*Sorry. I say "shit" when I mean "stuff" because I have 20 years
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The (Imaginary/Fucking) War on Christmas...or why I am sick of the whiny Christian majority playing the martyr. Poor Babies.
I saw this on a Mormon Mommy Bore Blog and now I am pissed. Basically, it says, "Oh hey, wouldn't it be great to behave like very un-Christian little assholes and gum up the works of the ACLU by sending them a shit-load of Christmas spam mail? You know, to punish them for stealing our "right" to force our irrational beliefs and holiday celebrations on the sum total of society and representing 'the atheists' in the legal War on ChristmasTM?"
I don't believe that there IS a War on Christmas. (I would love to know what you all think about it.) What I think IS happening is that non-believers and/or members of non-Christian faiths are sick of seeing our government and government-funded agencies/organizations/schools submit to the will of the Christian majority who think they are special and deserve special treatment. They already have voting power. AND they are already placated/wooed with Christmas songs playing in every goddamn store in the country from November 1st until January 1st. When was the last time you heard I Have a Little Dreidel playing in the mall? Do they really NEED nativity scenes on government property my tax dollars build and maintain? Are nativity scenes in their own yards and on church property not enough? Do they really NEED their children to celebrate a religious holiday at school? Do they really NEED conifers strung with lights and cheesy decorations to be called "Christmas" trees? Is "Holiday" tree, which could be pretty all-inclusive for the faithful and the non-faithful alike, really a huge concession or sacrifice? It's not like Christians invented the whole lights-on-trees idea so why do they think they have a "right" to lay claim on it now? Martyrs, martyrs, martyrs. Poor, poor babies.
I think it would be "clever" (by clever, I mean childish but fun) if we flooded this blog post with comments explaining why religious traditions don't need to be flaunted all over the public sphere and why it isn't a "right" to have a nativity in front of capital buildings and courthouses. Remember, "Just don't be rude or crude." This woman and her readers need an education.
I'm (kind of) sorry to be scattered and ranty. I think I'm back!
I don't believe that there IS a War on Christmas. (I would love to know what you all think about it.) What I think IS happening is that non-believers and/or members of non-Christian faiths are sick of seeing our government and government-funded agencies/organizations/schools submit to the will of the Christian majority who think they are special and deserve special treatment. They already have voting power. AND they are already placated/wooed with Christmas songs playing in every goddamn store in the country from November 1st until January 1st. When was the last time you heard I Have a Little Dreidel playing in the mall? Do they really NEED nativity scenes on government property my tax dollars build and maintain? Are nativity scenes in their own yards and on church property not enough? Do they really NEED their children to celebrate a religious holiday at school? Do they really NEED conifers strung with lights and cheesy decorations to be called "Christmas" trees? Is "Holiday" tree, which could be pretty all-inclusive for the faithful and the non-faithful alike, really a huge concession or sacrifice? It's not like Christians invented the whole lights-on-trees idea so why do they think they have a "right" to lay claim on it now? Martyrs, martyrs, martyrs. Poor, poor babies.
I think it would be "clever" (by clever, I mean childish but fun) if we flooded this blog post with comments explaining why religious traditions don't need to be flaunted all over the public sphere and why it isn't a "right" to have a nativity in front of capital buildings and courthouses. Remember, "Just don't be rude or crude." This woman and her readers need an education.
I'm (kind of) sorry to be scattered and ranty. I think I'm back!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Because we said so, that's why.
From this New Era article:
Why do we call ourselves the only true church?
The Lord has declared that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is “the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth” (D&C 1:30). This restored Church is true because it is the Savior’s Church; He is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). And it is a living church because of the workings and gifts of the Holy Ghost. How blessed we are to live at a time when the priesthood is upon the earth and we can receive the Holy Ghost. -Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
***So, we call ourselves the only true church because we've declared ourselves the only true church in this scripture specific to our (only true) church and we can know that this scripture is true because it is given specifically to the only true church?
Do they think teenagers are stupid? Are LDS teenagers incapable of recognizing circular reasoning? Or, just too distracted by and enamored with their self-declared leaders to listen to/read carefully the answers to simple, reasonable, and worthwhile questions?
From the same article:
Why don’t I get answers to my prayers?
With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow. - Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
***Does it though? Really? In at least one case I know of, God's silence caused faith to diminish and nagging doubts of Gods existence to grow. In addition, it resulted in the defiant and willful use of critical thinking skills against the warnings of my (self-declared) (only true) church leaders. I have to wonder, if God knows that this will be the consequence of God ignoring prayers (because he knows us all quite intimately) why would he withhold communication? Is it part of his plan that some of us will lose faith and leave the (only true) church? Does he set some of us up to fail? That would be a really dick move, would it not?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Absent
I've been missing around here for almost a month. I've been missing from the comments sections of other blogs as well. There have been some things and stuff going on and the long-story-made-short is that those things and that stuff were of higher priority than ranting blogging about my former religion. At first, I really tried to find the time to at least keep up on new posts from all of the great ex-Mormon blogs. But, at some point I was too busy and too emotionally and physically exhausted to even do that. I've really missed reading your blogs and I hope to get caught up on your posts quickly.
Despite my absence, my average daily traffic hasn't really decreased that much. I appreciate everyone who still clicked over to see if I had posted. I'm sorry that I hadn't.
That said, I am slowly finding my legs again and I intend to get back to my bitter, former-Mormon, ranting-and-raving self soon (but also gradually). I will start by reading and commenting on other blogs. Then, I'll get inspired and start writing here again.
I have missed this blogging community! For reals. Amen.
Despite my absence, my average daily traffic hasn't really decreased that much. I appreciate everyone who still clicked over to see if I had posted. I'm sorry that I hadn't.
That said, I am slowly finding my legs again and I intend to get back to my bitter, former-Mormon, ranting-and-raving self soon (but also gradually). I will start by reading and commenting on other blogs. Then, I'll get inspired and start writing here again.
I have missed this blogging community! For reals. Amen.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Some Boyd K. Packer gems on Church history
Emphasis mine.
"There is a temptation for the writer or teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful."
"Some things are to be taught selectively and some things are to be given only to those who are worthy."
On LDS historians: "One who chooses to follow the tenets of his profession, regardless of how they may injure the Church or destroy the faith of those not ready for 'advanced history', is himself in spiritual jeopardy. If that one is a member of the Church, he has broken his covenants and will be held accountable."
I suppose truth might not always be faith-promoting or useful for keeping the members in line and in the dark. But still:
"There is a temptation for the writer or teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful."
"Some things are to be taught selectively and some things are to be given only to those who are worthy."
On LDS historians: "One who chooses to follow the tenets of his profession, regardless of how they may injure the Church or destroy the faith of those not ready for 'advanced history', is himself in spiritual jeopardy. If that one is a member of the Church, he has broken his covenants and will be held accountable."
I suppose truth might not always be faith-promoting or useful for keeping the members in line and in the dark. But still:
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Anger, Symantics, and Criticism of Religion (specifically Mormonism)
Anger. Good? Bad? Maybe I feel guilty about being angry only because I was told that "angry apostates" are bad and one should never converse with them. Alternatively or additionally, maybe it's because society tells us that religious belief is not to be questioned or insulted. It is "sacred" and therefore above reproach. (Uhhh, it isn't sacred to me. It's sick.) To criticize someones religion is to personally insult them. Criticizing a religion is somehow a bigoted, hateful, prejudicial, discriminatory, and "persecuting" exercise. It can't be a simple form of healthy skepticism, trusting ones intellect, relying on reason and logic, or trusting ones own conscience when it differs from scripture or the word of a self-declared string of "prophets". I mean, it's one thing to question religion personally and privately, but one simply cannot be permitted to share their discoveries or interpretations with others in hopes of helping a friend or family member, or curious and searching stranger, to see the light. So, a blog critical of ones former religion is labeled as "anti-Mormon" when in fact it is merely an examination of how significant time spent in the LDS Church has affected or still affects us after leaving said church. It isn't "anti-Mormon" it is just ex- or former-Mormon in nature. At worst, most of the blogs I have read are anti-LDS church, anti-LDS policies, anti-unhealthy LDS social behaviors, or anti-LDS gospel and "revelation." I have rarely seen a blog directly critical of Mormons as a group or individual Mormons (other than those anointed uber-leaders who are clearly representatives of the church).
Am I angry? Hell yeah! But, I am sick of feeling guilty about it and being labeled as anti-Mormon or an angry apostate. I am merely a critical, disapproving "apostate" who happens to be quite angry about some things. I have plenty of really good reasons to be angry at the LDS Church. But, the LDS Church isn't just its people. It is an organization, an entity, a business. Can one be bigoted and hateful for being critical, not of a group of people or individuals within that group, but of an organization or business and its mandates, methods and policies? Are you a bigot because you criticize a Church for being bigoted and repressive?
I hate Walmart. I hate shopping there because it is not a pleasant place to shop and I prefer its best competition (Target) for its greater cleanliness and stock of better items. Even when Target is more expensive, I still prefer to pay a bit more in order to have a shopping experience that doesn't creep me out. But mostly, I hate the Walmart business model. I hate that they don't treat their employees well or support their right to unionize. I don't want to give a company with a disgraceful business model my money so that it can stay in business. Does that make me bigoted, hateful, prejudicial, or spiteful? I don't think so.
I don't hate Mormons. (Other than a few I went to high school with, but that wasn't because they were Mormon, it was because they were bitchy or assholey and I would have hated them if they were atheists as well). I don't disregard Mormon opinions, beliefs or values. I don't oppose the right of Mormons to be heard in the market of ideas. Everyone has equal right to explain their point of view. I just hate Mormonism as a way of life and system of shared beliefs and values that I find reprehensible. I hate the LDS church as an entity and business because it is discriminatory and preaches hate from the pulpit and spends members tithes (or interest on accounts that contain those funds) to build multi-billion dollar malls and resorts without asking the members to vote on it. I hate it because although it is part of one of its Articles of Faith and a temple recommend question, the LDS Church is not "honest in its dealings with its fellow man" and instead behaves poorly and then does its best to cover it up, then deny it, then attempt to put a positive spin on it.
I guess I am angry and former-Mormon (which I think is more honest and fair than labeling those who leave as "apostates" in order to impart the negative connotations of the word and stir up caution and fear). But I don't think these are logical reasons to discount my point-of-view or refuse to even hear or acknowledge it.
Side note: Can anyone think of another group better than Mormons at playing the martyr?
Am I angry? Hell yeah! But, I am sick of feeling guilty about it and being labeled as anti-Mormon or an angry apostate. I am merely a critical, disapproving "apostate" who happens to be quite angry about some things. I have plenty of really good reasons to be angry at the LDS Church. But, the LDS Church isn't just its people. It is an organization, an entity, a business. Can one be bigoted and hateful for being critical, not of a group of people or individuals within that group, but of an organization or business and its mandates, methods and policies? Are you a bigot because you criticize a Church for being bigoted and repressive?
I hate Walmart. I hate shopping there because it is not a pleasant place to shop and I prefer its best competition (Target) for its greater cleanliness and stock of better items. Even when Target is more expensive, I still prefer to pay a bit more in order to have a shopping experience that doesn't creep me out. But mostly, I hate the Walmart business model. I hate that they don't treat their employees well or support their right to unionize. I don't want to give a company with a disgraceful business model my money so that it can stay in business. Does that make me bigoted, hateful, prejudicial, or spiteful? I don't think so.
I don't hate Mormons. (Other than a few I went to high school with, but that wasn't because they were Mormon, it was because they were bitchy or assholey and I would have hated them if they were atheists as well). I don't disregard Mormon opinions, beliefs or values. I don't oppose the right of Mormons to be heard in the market of ideas. Everyone has equal right to explain their point of view. I just hate Mormonism as a way of life and system of shared beliefs and values that I find reprehensible. I hate the LDS church as an entity and business because it is discriminatory and preaches hate from the pulpit and spends members tithes (or interest on accounts that contain those funds) to build multi-billion dollar malls and resorts without asking the members to vote on it. I hate it because although it is part of one of its Articles of Faith and a temple recommend question, the LDS Church is not "honest in its dealings with its fellow man" and instead behaves poorly and then does its best to cover it up, then deny it, then attempt to put a positive spin on it.
I guess I am angry and former-Mormon (which I think is more honest and fair than labeling those who leave as "apostates" in order to impart the negative connotations of the word and stir up caution and fear). But I don't think these are logical reasons to discount my point-of-view or refuse to even hear or acknowledge it.
Side note: Can anyone think of another group better than Mormons at playing the martyr?
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