Wednesday, March 16, 2011

God thinks like you. And like me. And like everyone else.

So, yeah, God basically has Multiple Personality Disorder.  At least that is what this research indicates.

Explains some things, doesn't it? I know you are not surprised by these results.  Neither am I.  I've long known that God is created in man's own image. 

But, you know what I just realized?  This means the religious can no longer hide behind these tired old arguments:
  • "I'm not homophobic.  The bible says it's a sin."
  • "I'm not sexist.  God thinks women should submit to men.  Patriarchy is the divinely dictated order of things." (Psshhh more like divinely dick-tated. Am I right?) 
  • "I'm not a prude.  God is the one who is hymen-obsessed and requires that we wait to have sex until we are married and that we rush to put our garments back on post-coitus. I'm sure it is for our own good."
  • "I'm not racist.  God is the one who cursed Cain and Ham and all of their descendants with dark skin. Some of the Prophets have said white people were more righteous in the pre-existence. The Book of Mormon describes the cursing of the unrighteous with dark skin. I can't help it if God thinks that my skin is delightsome."
  • "I'm just lying for the Lord. Sometimes the truth isn't very useful."
To the religious: Science has seen behind the curtain and isn't impressed by your wizard.  We know it's just you back there with a microphone speaking in a deep voice.

Post Edit:
And so you know...God is not an old dude with a white beard. She is a natural blonde but likes to dye her hair red on occasion. Sometimes She shaves Her legs and sometimes She doesn't.  Deal with it.  God doesn't care about your underwear but forbids you to wear socks during sex.  God has a caffeine habit.  God wears Her Converse even when She knows it's raining outside and that this will mean Her feet will be wet all day. God has two piercings. In each ear.  God likes men to wear eyeliner.  God forbids short-sleeved dress shirts and ugly ties.  God is sarcastic.  God thinks you should leave your neighbors alone.  Stop with the missionaries. God thinks having multiple kingdoms makes the whole judging thing too complicated but multiple orgasms was a brilliant idea. She stands behind that one.  God doesn't really care so much about being worshiped or Her name being used in vain but if you say anything about the size of Her ass, it's fire and brimstone for you. Patriarchy? You mean like men in charge? Hahahahaha, I think milk just came out of Her nose. What a completely terrible idea.  God works through evolution and thinks your prayers are silly and annoying.  The Universe wants to kill you.  God thinks all skin is beautiful.  God is fine with nudity. God doesn't need you to make oaths or weird signs to hang out with Her after you die.  In fact, She doesn't even think an afterlife is worthwhile.  She scrapped that.  So, make the most of your time here.  And join the dark side.  They have cupcakes.  Also, the Smashing Pumpkins totally blew.


  1. Spot on. You can explain anything with God on your side!

  2. Love it! I'll take the Post Edit God any day :)

  3. OMG! I love God again! YOUR God, at least! Can i have Her for my very own, too? Smooch!

  4. Sandi, my love, I'm...I mean She's yours!

  5. teehehe! i'll take you...i mean *her*

  6. I love this!!!! And I love post-edit God. She's fantastic!