I've been wrestling with the decision to tell or not tell my mom that I have resigned from the church. I put off resigning because I was worried about hurting her. Last year, I could take it no more so I resigned. My husband chose to announce his resignation to his parents. They took the news surprisingly calmly. I expected a major freak-out. Instead, they reacted with less concern and emotion than when we told them we wouldn't be getting sealed in the temple. (Have I told you that story? If not, I really should so remind me sometime.) That said, they are extremely judgmental of his lifestyle. I guess they have learned to keep it to themselves. That's progress, right?
I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom. We have sort of an unspoken agreement about this sort of uncomfortable discussion. I don't tell her something she doesn't want to hear. I will if she asks. Since she doesn't want to know, she doesn't ask. She has never asked me any questions about the years of complete inactivity and she certainly hasn't asked if I have resigned. I haven't confessed outright to my atheism. She knows that I'm a liberal and a feminist. Maybe she figures she knows why I stopped attending. But, she suggested a few days ago that I should go back to church as a means of making friends when I move later this year. I told her it was never going to happen. You see what I mean about our unspoken agreement? She pushed the issue, I answered.
So far, I have adopted the same approach to my resignation. I'll tell her if she asks but I am not going to tell her because I don't want her to perceive that as me throwing it in her face. I am not sure if there is any reason she needs to know. Does she need to know? But, I've been sort of living with the fear that she will find out from someone else, if she hasn't already. I don't want her to feel like I kept something from her. I believe in being honest with my parents. I always have. Is it dishonest to keep something from her because it can only hurt her? Is that lying by omission? Am I obligated to share everything about myself, my life, and my decisions with everyone in my life? I don't know. I also believe in being authentic. I don't want to hide major aspects of myself from friends and family. I want my mom to know because I want her to understand me. I know she will love and accept me no matter what so I don't stand to lose anything. But would it be fair to tell her because I want her to know?
What do you think? Should I tell her?
I told my parents it was happening even before I sent the letter. I think whether or not to tell your mom is really up to you. I figured telling my parents would be better as it happened rather than years later. I think it would have hurt my parents more if they had found it had happened in the distant past.
ReplyDeleteI resigned three years ago and never told my mother. But then, we're not really close.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't the end of year record sheet dealy-mo-bob members are given at tithing settlement list all the children on it? Or no. Cuz if so, you wouldn't have been on it this past December and she would've perhaps noticed. Or maybe it's only young 'uns who are on that sheet. I'm too tired to remember properly, baby.
ReplyDeleteThis is my life totally! I want to tell my mom, but we both avoid the topic because it's very uncomfortable and I know she won't understand unless I really lay out the issues that she doesn't want to hear. We'll talk about anything, except the big elephant in the room. But she makes little comments like, "You never quit worrying about your kids, no matter how old they are..."
ReplyDeleteI really want to write a letter to my family and get it all out in the open, but I'm not very good at expressing myself. So it just eats at me. I completely understand your feelings and could use some advice too.
I agree with Kiley. I think it's up to you. If you want to avoid that stress, then avoid it? What is the likelihood that she would find out from someone else? If you live in a different area and then the likelihood that someone would look up your records is low. My parents, on the other hand, would know if I were to resign because my dad is always in the bishopric and is constantly making sure my records are in the right place in the hopes the ward will make me a project and reactivate me.
ReplyDeleteI agree that hearing it from someone else would hurt them. So I suggest you weigh the likelihood that she would find out from someone else against the likely outcome if you approach her about it.
Aw, what a conundrum! I hope you can tell her. Sorry :(
ReplyDeleteIf it's already been years since you were active (?) then I wouldn't worry about it. It's not lying by omission. Do you tell her which tampons you buy? Which brand of milk? It's not important and would most likely make your relationship worse. With nice balance you have in your relationship, let sleeping dogs lie.
ReplyDeleteBtw, when I finally get around to resigning my whole family, I am NOT going to be making an announcement. They all pretty much know we'll never be Mo again (maybe they hold out hope and put our names on the temple rolls, but who cares) so I don't think it would be a shock. Tho my Dad specifically asked me last year not to resign, but he's seriously scared of "Lucifer", so he thinks I'll be tempting him more.
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